One word can summon up this year for me. “Change.” Tons of if. Tidal waves of it. So much that I feared that insanity would take over, and I would give in and let the waves carry me away. Everything changed. Many of the changes were good. Most of them were stressful. In 2013 I traveled overseas for the first time, conquered my fear and got my driver's license, bought a car, bought my first house, quit the job I had had for six years, got a new one, started sculpting. Yeah, I've been a little busy. Almost every major aspect of the average person's life that could change did. Travel, home, job, car, aspirations. (Okay there IS one more, but we are sooo not going there. Not yet, despite what DH may desire. :p)
And all of this in the wake of my father's passing. I spent a lot
of the year feeling like I had dual personalities. One “me”
embraced all the change, as a way to distance myself, as a way to
prove that good things could still happen to me. The other me wanted
to hide, wanted to hide away and curl up in grief. To be honest, that
part of me won, a lot. I needed it, I know, but it's an odd feeling.
It's almost as if I woke up in October and went,
“Huh, what? Where am I? What just happened?”
As I face the end of the year I feel myself standing on the edge
of a cliff. I can see in the distance who I want to be. What I need
to be happy. It's so close, but I'm not there yet. All the pieces
are there, now I just have to grab those ends and tie them
The condo is a huge victory. Having our own space is such a
positive change, one I am so grateful for. The husband and I will
finally be able to be free to be ourselves. “Ourselves” are
creative, messy, and often highly inappropriate people, haha. We have been
cramped, both physically and emotionally living with the in-laws.
And I'm sure that I will be totally happy.... once I am through the
exhaustion and stress of renovation. (Surely the anger and desire to
smash things into oblivion with a sledgehammer will fade, no?)
It's a difficult thing to “wake up” a year and a half later
and not quite know how to process everything, and not quite know who
or what you are anymore. It's something I am still working through.
It's not necessarily bad, it's just that you can't go through all
that without coming out the other side a little different than you
were. Thank the gods for my husband, because he has been my rock, and
without him I'm not sure I would have made it out in one piece.
In just a few days I will be going home. I think I really need
this trip right now. I think it will ground and center me. The last
year and 9 months have been absolutely earth shattering for me.
Literally from the lowest low, to some pretty high highs. Everything
changed, and it's not done with me yet.
Freezing my ass off
(while I am mocked for my "thinned blood" with family and friends will remind me of the things that will never
change, and I so need that right now. I am so lucky to have so many
anchors in my life. To have people that been there during both my
happiest and saddest times is a blessing. (Like physically, if I need
them, they are there, which I find amazing, considering I now live in
a different state, and only see them once a year or so.)
So I don't know what 2014 will bring, who does? More change?
Probably. But with the help of all those anchors, I think I will make